We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
