we have officially lost it.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
