He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
