By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
