Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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