Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
