I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
