Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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