I am in a vortex of obligation.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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