Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
