i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
