Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
