Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
