you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
