I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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