You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
