my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
