Plan B is the new Plan A
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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