my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
