I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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