no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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