Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
