I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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