I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
