do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
