I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
