i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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