"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
