now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
