We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
