My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
