I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
