seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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