My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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