I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
The air taste purple.
Randomize
