Barsexuality is the new black.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He shit in the fireplace
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
