you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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