im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
