dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
