after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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