just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
