New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
