all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
