I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
