i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
