my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
