T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
