I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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