im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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