fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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