Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
