dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
