I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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